Hard Truths #18: Myths Abound

HARD TRUTH #18 (From the book “Hard Truths” – a pre-publication extraction)

Myths Abound

“The lessons in my life have come from failures, my own shortcomings, naiveté and buying into some of the biggest myths modern society has to sell.”  Joe Gibbs, Football Coach

Some of the best-intentioned people give out some of the poorest advice.  But some of the most outspoken, “self-made successes” provide outright dangerous advice, particularly when taken out of context.  Most of the latter long ago forgot what it took to get where they are.  Others are “selling” what they think people want to hear (“As I delivered more and more speeches and seminars that delivered what the client wanted, my reputation grew.”  Jack Canfield, “The Success Principles” HarperCollins Publishers, Inc., New York, p 136.)  The absolute truth is that few, if any of them, could follow the advice they ascribe as best for the rest of us without sitting on a bank account of several million dollars.  Examples of such myths follow:

1. “Don’t worry, be happy.”  Sammy Davis, Jr.  It’s not what made him famous, and it’s not what will make YOU successful;  it’s what he could afford to do AFTER he made his millions, and it’s probably what he wistfully wishes he could have done along the way … all other things being equal (i.e., with buckets of money flowing in), which they certainly would NOT have been had he followed his own advice.
2. “End the Struggle and Dance with Life.”  Susan Jeffers, Ph.D.  This is NOT how she became accomplished in life.  Her earlier writing, in fact, was entitled “Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway.”  Her epiphany to write “End the Struggle … “ came AFTER gaining her Ph.D., after publishing her first book, after divorce and after a diagnosis of cancer.  Of course, after all this one might be entitled to “End the Struggle … “  But not before.
3. “Stop and Smell the Roses.”  Anna QuindlenAnna romanticizes the life of a derelict who has heroically and courageously opted out of the rat race for a life of serenely living off the street, sitting on piers monitoring traffic on the water and watching sunsets over the bay.  Again, “all other things being equal”, this would be an idyllic way to spend a life … for about 72 hours, maybe less.  But just as “money does not warm a cold and lonely winter night” (ala Quindlen), neither does living on the street over a steam grate in January, fighting a fever or a toothache in a cardboard box shared with rats and roaches.
4. “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff” Ubiquitous Chant, Commentary from Mike Fisch             [“Weekend Edition” with Liane Hansen, November 21, 1999, National Public Radio] “Sometimes when I’m copying a double-sided government document, there’s a paper jam.  The two pieces of paper rest deep in the innards of the copier, hiding from me like scared animals.  I say a swear word that sounds like ‘ship’.  That’s when somebody says, ‘Don’t sweat the small stuff, Big Guy.  It’s all small stuff.’  But what the “Chicken Soup for the Soul” brigade seems to have forgotten is that my job is sweating small stuff.   I get paid to sweat.  My [time-lines], memos, [edits], faxes [VMX call returns], and double-sided copies are bran fiber for a constipated bureaucracy.  As soon as I stop sweating out the fiber, I cease to exist …”
5. “Laziness is an Organic Problem not a Character Deficiency”  In his book “The MYTH of LAZINESS” (Simon & Schuster, Inc., New York, 2003), Mel Levine, M.D., characterizes the pathologic condition of patients with chronic “output failure” as “neurodevelopmental dysfunction”.
   1. But, while there may be pathology involved in the neurological workings of some selected individuals, it is outright wrong to suggest that we can blame all “output failure” on faulty wiring!  Let’s be very clear about the fact that you and I and everybody else on the planet would just rather not if we didn’t HAVE to.  And if it’s a “neurodevelopmental dysfunction”, there’s more than reason enough for us to give it some serious personal attention before we call in the professionals to give our condition a fancy name and bail us out with medication.  The mind is the most malleable organ of the body, even capable of allowing a certain latitude of compensation for its own idiosyncrasies – if we will but take the initiative to connect the dots with a more intentional “grounding”.  Levine’s treatment for output failure?  “Establishing and enforcing discipline.”  Duh!
   2. In “A Problem in the Brain” (Newsweek, October 17, 2005, p.61), Peg Tyre chronicles a recent 98% increase in the use of medication for ADHD, treating adults who have chronic “output failure”.  She quotes Dr. David Goodman: “Many adults who for years have been called lazy, crazy or stupid are realizing the problem may be in their brain.”  Again, what may be true for some is not necessarily true for all.  I would submit that, while the brain very much IS the problem, the problem arises from underdevelopment of synaptic concordance with the facts of life, combined with lack of discipline in properly training the brain to function beyond a sedentary, pampered, unstructured, multimedia, virtually “OK”, no-need-to-panic, laissez faire environment.  It’s amazing how quickly a “Defining Moment” or an “Awakening” can galvanize a cure for “output failure”.  And how diet, exercise and meditation can cultivate and restore productive circuitry.  These folks need to get rid of the junk food, turn off the radio, IPod, TV and video games, extract themselves from the malls and movie theaters, and go walking around the neighborhood until they squelch all the spurious “cross-firing” of neurons; then they need to sit in a corner quietly and without distraction until their “Higher Self” takes over and absolutely drives them to more focused and more productive activity.
   3. Hamilton was a brilliant but hyperactive college mate and frat brat with my older brother in the early ‘60s.  I had the privilege of joining the fraternity as a freshman when they were seniors and will never forget Hamilton saying his best year of college was his sophomore year, during which he played on the intramural football team while taking his heaviest load of courses; at the end of the day, he was too tired to do anything but study!  I would submit that his brain was also trafficking a lot less spurious activity and he was a lot more focused at that time.

6. “Visualizing the Glorious End Result will Make Success Happen” Motivational Gurus.  The motivational intelligentsia contend that graphically visualizing yourself throwing the winning touchdown pass with 2 seconds on the clock, or making the 3-point shot at the buzzer, or standing on the awards platform receiving the Gold Medal, or imagining millions of dollars rolling into your bank account is one of the most important things one can do to attain a coveted goal.  This is an utter fool’s fantasy!  Unless and until one starts visualizing the hurdles to be overcome and gets momentum going and does the “grunt” work to overcome them, he/she can dream all they want, but it’s never going to happen.  While visions of success can keep one going in desperate circumstances, they won’t bring home the gold.  “Desperate circumstances” and “Winning Ways”, ultimately, require nothing short of a well focused and exquisitely executed brute force effort.
7. “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten” Robert Fulghum.  Important things you didn’t necessarily learn in kindergarten include the fact that life isn’t always fair; life doesn’t necessarily just keep getting better; competition demands that you not only do your best but that you keep getting better; while sharing is important, it is also important to have something worth sharing; diligence is necessary; production is important; milk and cookies don’t just magically and automatically appear in the refrigerator and pantry; and milk and cookies won’t solve every problem.

8. Time “on the clock” is discretionary as long as there’s no immediate deadline. NOT!  Places of work are not adult day care centers, no matter what you may have seen on “Seinfield” or “Friends”.

9. Everyone is entitled to a “Cost of Living” increase in their “allowance”, paycheck, health care benefits, etc.  NOT!  In fact, I can’t remember getting ONE “cost of living” increase in the last 20 years.  Pay increases have been “Merit” increases only, based on        overall performance and available funds – in that order.  You are “entitled” to what you      are worth on the open market. 

10. Anyone with a job is entitled to a “Living Wage”. NOT! Unskilled, entry-level, “no-     brainer” work that can be done by a 16-year-old living at home, requiring no special          training, education or preparation should garner MINIMUM pay.  Your entitlement is not      to a “living wage” but to the best education and training you can get anywhere in the           world so you can EARN a living wage – not merely take home a DOLE.  

11. Your boss’s job or teacher’s job is to create a pleasant working/learning environment and to enhance your self-esteem. NOT!  “Pleasant circumstances”            is a two-way street, and genuine self-esteem can only be derived from worthy, self-    generated accomplishments.  (See #12) 

12. I’m not responsible for anything my boss didn’t specifically train me to do or my teachers didn’t teach me (i.e., literally cram down my throat.)  NOT!  You are           responsible for learning what you don’t know – and for applying it.  Your boss and           teachers can only give you general guidance and provide the basic TOOLS.  YOU have            to accept, adopt and master them.  The world is getting too large and moving too fast for constant “hand-holding” and “spoon-feeding”.  With 20% of the people doing 80% of the       work, the world needs more Chiefs and fewer Indians.  

13. Life just continues to get better. NOT! It CAN … and it SHOULD … but it doesn’t       happen spontaneously.  It takes increasing personal effort, focus and responsibility to make things better.  You want “better”?  DO better.  DESERVE better!  [See also HARD TRUTH #  3] 

14. Unscheduled time is “Free Time”. NOT!  Unscheduled time is the reservoir we fill with new knowledge, the forge into which we place the raw irons of an incomplete and imperfect life for reshaping (and “shaping up”), the anvil upon which we hammer out the “kinks” of life, and the respite through which we re-energize/regenerate and renew the spirit and constitution, not merely “zone out”.  

15. My needs are small and I can “get by” on very little. NOT! This only appears true when “coasting” or in “free-fall” or when living off someone else’s investment.  It also implies “all other things [good, pleasant and unchallenging] being equal”, which they are NOT!  Understand that “good”, “pleasant” and “unchallenging” circumstances come from applied GRIT, that necessities tend to expand with time, and that human dignity calls for certain standards to be met – even if you’re not driven to “keep up with the Joneses”.   Second, you are going to need adequate tools-of-the-trade for whatever you DO in life.  Don’t skimp!  Finally, while “getting by” may be OK for material things, it is definitely not acceptable for your intellectual, emotional, psychological or philosophical well-being.  In fact, you will be best served by developing LARGE needs in these areas – NEED to know; NEED the strongest possible emotional anchoring; NEED a strong psychological underpinning; and NEED an endurable philosophy of life.   NEED security, NEED sanity, and NEED solvency.  [See also HARD TRUTH # ] 

16. I don’t need anybody else running my life, telling me what to do. Again, although true in the unchallenged moment, if you do an inadequate job of running your own life when it runs close to the edge or over, authority figures will appear and put constraints on everything you do.  Wild horses don’t wear saddles, harnesses, bits & bridles, etc., and they do not march to the beat of anybody else’s drum.  But neither do they eat pasture grass, grain, apples and mints, get medical attention when hurt, or have the warmth and security of a barn stall in the face of torrential storms and bitter cold.   

17. The culprit in work-life imbalance is always work. NOT! The culprit in work-life          imbalance is most frequently poor life management.

18. The best things in life are free.  First of all, they’re only “free” because somebody else(s) paid a very hefty investment. It took an awful lot to make the “best” things “best” and accessible. Behind that smile, that hug is an entire civilization contributing to your well-being.  And it takes an awful lot to keep it so. Somebody had to plant and cultivate those roses you’re stopping to smell along the way.  And sunrises and sunsets are a whole lot more enjoyable during long winter days and nights when viewed from the warmth and safety of a fireplace in a mansion than they are when viewed from a card board box over a steam grate. In truth, Virginia, the VERY best things in life are both expensive and fragile. Don’t take them for granted.

19. I’ll get my due sometime, somehow.NOT!  Only DOO comes to you unprodded and unprovoked.  You have to go get your true DUE with very deliberate, targeted effort and intentionality.